Friday, June 17, 2011

Suddenly...

Ok, so I totally had this whole, long post typed yesterday about how that I'm a living double-standard.

And then, a massive storm hit, and I hadn't saved (I was typing in Word, mistake #1) and I lost it.

Dude.

See, I ran into some frustrations yesterday which brought home a very important point to me. I am at once very impatient, and a horrible procrastinator.

I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery.

Dipped in chocolate. Yummy, dark chocolate.

My car has developed an oil leak. We know what the problem is, and Jason has had the parts to fix it for over a year. Every week or so, my "low oil" light comes on, reminding me to check my levels, which are nearly always about a quart low. Usually, this happens at a really inconvenient time, like when I'm on my way to work, and I have to stop and buy a quart or two.

That's where I found myself yesterday. I stopped at a store in town and picked up a couple of quarts, only to have my debit card denied when I tried to pay for them.

I paid with a check, and proceeded to call Jason to vent my frustration. Frustration at having to stop, again, and it making me late for work. Frustration at having to put a Bandaid on a problem he could fix permanently. Frustration at having my debit card denied.

His phone, of course, went straight to voice mail. Luckily, my parents live next door, so I could call my mom and have her walk over to my house, so I could unleash the full fury of my frustration on Jason via her phone.

As I drove to work, plotting how I could pull my car into my dad's shop and figure out how to fix the problem myself, a thought began to trickle into my head:

I'm a tad impatient.

If I need something fixed, or help from someone, I want it NOW. Not next week, and probably not even tomorrow. I expect nothing less than instant gratification from those around me.

I don't know how I got this way, honestly. As the oldest of four children in a house where there was often more month than money, I wasn't accustomed to getting my wants fulfilled instantly. I think somewhere, that might have developed in me some trust issues, which cause me to believe that if something isn't done right away, it's not going to get done.

Or maybe I'm just overthinking this a tad.

On the other hand, I am an extreme procrastinator. I've lost count of how many times I've stopped in the writing of this post and done other things, like stare intently off into space or check to make sure my fingernails are clean.

I am the Queen of Time Wasting. The Internet is both the best, and the worst thing to ever happen to me.

Too, too often I wait until the last minute to do something, and end up having to rush and stressing myself out much more than necessary.

I.am.pitiful.

How did I get to be this way? I have no idea. The worst part is, I'm like this with God too. There are things I've been asking Him to do for years, and some I've been praying about for just a few months (but even that seems like a lifetime) and still, no answer. There are situations in my life I need to be settled, and there are deadlines, but still...I wait.

Impatiently.

I seem to forget that God is a God of "suddenly."

Type that word into a search on a Bible site like biblegateway.com, and you'll find a LOT of results. There are so many instances in the Word where God does things suddenly, right on time, in just the perfect way.

One of those is in 2 Chronicles 29. It's the story of how Hezekiah repaired and restored the temple and how the people prepared themselves to serve and worship there. It ends with these words:

So the service of the LORD's temple was established. Then Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced over how God had prepared the people, for it had come about suddenly.


So maybe, that's where my dual natures come into play. Maybe, I should be in preparation mode, so that I'm ready for my "suddenly" to come about. Maybe, my procrastination is making me my own worst enemy.

I've seen so many other "suddenlys" this year. I worked at the same place for eight years, and suddenly, I'm in a completely different environment. I lived in the same house for seven years, and suddenly I'm buying another one and moving.

I'm beginning to think that's why I lost that other post, because this one is going in a totally different direction than the one I'd typed yesterday.

Lord, give me strength to prepare myself, so I'm ready for you - suddenly.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Great post! You're not alone in these struggles. I often find myself in the same internal battles. I need to be reminded that the moments of waiting and frustration are often the times God is preparing me for a "suddenly" moment or season.